There is one question that I receive more than any other on my travels.
"Doesn't it get lonely, solo travel?"
"I wish," I reply, and they laugh – my response was unexpected.
"You meet so many people traveling alone," I explain, "because you're much more approachable as a party of one."
Usually the person asking nods, because this is exactly what they've just done.
Sometimes I feel like people make conversation with me as though my aloneness is something to be fixed. They feel bad that I am alone. Party of one is a plight, not a privilege.
"Anyway, I'm not really alone," I correct. "I'm with myself."
At this point, they tilt their head in confusion.
"Soul-o," I say, spelling it out for them. "It's a privilege to enjoy the pleasure of my own company."
Once, a look of understanding crossed the face of the guy engaging me in conversation. "Oh, right, sorry," he apologized quickly, pushing his chair back from the table. "I must be bothering you."
I laughed and told him it was alright. I'm not sure that I would have been as honest – rude? – if he had, in fact, been bothering me. Truth be told, I think in that moment he apologized because I was bothering him. He, too, was a solo traveler, but I'm not sure that he was a soul-o traveler, because in my observation most people can't stand to be alone.
And they don't like to be reminded of it either.
I am an excellent conversationalist... with myself. 😂🤦♀️
I have two favorite places I like to go to work out my thoughts: my journal, and the mountains.
One of my biggest disappointments in traveling in many countries is that in order to go hiking, I'm required to have a guide – mostly because I can no longer be alone with my thoughts. Either I feel obligated to talk to them, or they feel obligated to talk to me – and even when we're silent, I'm too embarrassed to let them hear me leaving myself voice notes.
This week I rediscovered a voice note from a solo hike in South Africa, a meandering musing on the soul, soulmates, and being alone.
What does it mean to be with yourself – and why do so many people struggle with it?
It's a problem, really, this discomfort with aloneness. Logically, if you’re uneasy being with yourself, you’re doing a disservice to both you and to everyone around you. Because if you don’t enjoy your own company – then why would anyone else?
But I don't think that's quite it. Most people aren't unbearable to be with. I suspect that the real issue is this: you can't be with yourself because you don't know who you are – and maybe you don't want to.
The longer we spend time with someone, the more we get to know them. Often, we know each other better than we know ourselves. Have you ever pointed out something obvious about a friend and then watched their countenance change, as they realized you noticed something about them that is undoubtedly true, but that they hadn't yet considered? That's what I mean.
We don't know ourselves – and we don't want to. Why is that?
There's a voice inside my head that isn't actually me. It's kind of like the narrator from Arrested Development. The voice tells me what to wear ("No, you'll look stupid in that"), who to be around others ("She gets annoyed when you talk too much about that"). The voice prattles on, getting me through daily life without me really noticing just how obedient I am to its whims.
Until recently, that is. When I started traveling the world alone, I started paying attention to the voice inside my head – my constant and only companion – and I didn't find its contributions all that helpful. I tried to recast the role, but like a Hollywood diva the voice seized the microphone from the stage and kept shouting into it from the back of the theatre.
When we are alone, we are forced to pay closer attention to the voice inside our heads. And we might not like what we see.
It isn't that we don't like being alone with ourselves. We don't like being alone with whoever that voice is inside our heads. They are different.
Spend enough time alone and you'll feel like you're drowning in the petri dish of your Self. All of a sudden those pesky feelings you didn't want to feel resurface, hoping to get your attention, intent on spitting spores to infect every experience you have until you address them. In your aloneness, no matter how "together" you've designed your life to be, you are confronted by the truth: as much as we try to escape it, we navigate this life alone.
No one will ever truly know what it feels like to go through life as you.
And when you die, no matter who is in the room with you, you die alone.
Yeah, I mean – when I put it like that, I get why you don't want to be alone. 😂
If you'd like to hear me work out the following thoughts on the trail, you can listen here:
So what does this have to do with soulmates?
Most people are so (intentionally) disconnected from their own soul, they wouldn’t recognize it if it smacked them in the face. Let alone recognize someone else's!
And even if you do have some sense of your soul, life is a forever journey to come into greater contact with it. You should be so lucky in this lifetime as to shed all of the layers of other people, of society, of the expectations that have been placed on you and shrouded your soul. You should be so lucky in this lifetime as to come in such close contact with your soul that you both know it and you know someone else's when you see it.
Praying for your soulmate is about as useful as praying for a 5 on the AP Calculus exam. Sure, you could get a 5 if you get lucky filling in random bubbles on the Scantron. But you're more likely to succeed if you take pre-calculus and actually study for the test.
The pre-requisite to meeting your soulmate is knowing your own soul.
So, do I believe in soulmates? Yes. Do I believe that it's possible in this lifetime to meet yours? Yes. Do I believe that you are meeting yours in your twenties and thirties? Not likely – not unless you've done the work.
So when someone asks me if I'm looking for my soulmate, the answer is no.
I'm on a quest to come into greater contact with my soul.
If I'm successful, then maybe, just maybe, I'll recognize my soulmate when I meet them.
